had to get put somwhere
posted by emperor @
Donnerstag, Februar 05, 2004
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5.2.04  |
RANT & RAVE
lately it seems like things are getting harder. i dont mean harder as in its somthing that you have to learn but more as in harder to deal with. things have been piling up on me and no matter wat i do it seems that it just keeps coming. i think its bad wen you cant count the number of good days youv had in a year, but cant keep track of the bad ones. granted this makes the good ones all the more better, but theres only so much bad that one can take. sadly enuf i thinks its been a bad year. like i said earlier things hav gone rong. several things. and then the other things that go rong then complicate the original problem, making the whole situation even more stressful.i get to start the year with people bitching at me constantly.
FUCK U ALL
*NOTE: many if not all who read this will be offended, fuck u too
now if i had done somthing rong, aside from not letting som1 take advantage of me, then fuck all of you. ever1 who bitches moans and wines. fuck you. you need to learn to shut the fuck up, stick a cork in ur ass, and do something for yourself and not fuck with me. carl, fuck you. ive been nothing but helpful to u and all u do is complain and bitch if somthing doesnt get done ur way. on top of that, your constantly being a complete fuck to me. correct me if im rong but u shouldnt fuck ur best friend in the brain. metaphorically speaking for all of u stupid chtubby cocks out there. parker, fuck u and ur drug addictions. u need to fucking leasrn that somtimes life can be experienced while not on drugs. by drugs i mean everything from advil to x. also, im fucking tired of having to be the one to always hav to get the drugs that u need. if u want them so bad and i cant help then dont fucking wine to me. also im glad that ur friends with sylvia and all. but theres no reason for us to go there every day. i get god dam sick of it. and u no wat? i bet she does too. that last part wasnt meant only for parker out there either. this applies to all of u. felix. ur the same as parker. so go shove a pipe in ur ass and sit down. if niether of u can think of anything fun without the necessity of drugs.then i dont want to be around u. no. i feel sorry for u. ur missing parts of life that u dont no. but atleast u dont no about it so it cant bother u. also. fuck the both of u and ur inability to understand the concept of poor. if all my money had to go to somthing yesterday, then it probly has to go to the same fucking thing today. neefer. fuck u and ur bitchyness. thou u seem to do better lately, it doesnt at all help wen i try to be nice and hav a normal day, and u com bitch at me for som reason that is either insignificant or that i dont no of. genni. fuck u and how u always ignore me wen i need it least. stop being so god dam self centerd and reliant on other ppl. u date w/ chris because ur afraid to be alone and u wont admit it. show sombackbone and tell him to fuck off if u dont want to date him. chris, fuck u for purpetuating gennis already complicated situation just to get wat u want. its fucking selfish and dishonorable. u need to understand that somtimes ppl dont want to date u and that they want to just be friends. it is hard. but deal with it dick.brian, fuck u and ur blaming everything on one mistake u made. i dont want to hear about how bad those meds i told u u didnt need fuckd u up. also, if u ask me for help, pay attention. i no that u can. add doesnt make u retarded and u dont even have a severe case, if any. add is a "disease" purpetuated by drug companies to turn a profit. why was it only after the 80's pill boom that "diseases" show up.(i use quotation marks because i personally dont consider it a disease. if anything it should beconsidered a mentality. but thats another fucking rant that i dont hav time for.) sylvia, neeka, fuck u both and ur mood swings. i appreciate everthing that u do for us all. but get controll of urseelves. and dan. fuck u and ur lazyness, ur coke addiction (if u dont realize that its an addiction and not in plain fun than ur dumber than i thout), ur pot addiction, and u being so god dam bitchy.
PROBLEMS
first i said im tired of ppl around me. thats one problem. the next problem is that because of my eagle scout project, im out $100wich since that is my monthly cashquota, leaves me fuckd as far as food and gas goes. unfortunately, iv had to ask many of the ppl in my car for help with gas. and as for food. well looks like im fasting for a while. thirdly, my car was hit. now thou it wasnt totald, it is still dangerous to drive. as for fixing it, i hav no money. and as far as ive been able to figure that law dictates, i would not be the one responcible. if u hit my car, and im not even there, even if it is on ur property, ur still fucking responsible. u fucking hit it. thats y u hav liability insurance. another thing is that lately my dad has been getting mad at me for things. not that i blame him, ive fuckd up more than usual as of late. as for my grades, im scraping by. i fail 2 of 2 chem 2 tests, wich was frustrating given that i thout i did well after taking them, and physics is just dam hard. another thing that gets me is that after i finally make darnas mom contact her insurance, the insurance is more than helpful in sending me to quite possibly the most incometent repair shop in town. i stop by to drop off my car and "you need an appointment" they say. well fine. ill follow ur protocol of stupidity. i make azn appoi ntment the next day to com in a week later. everything seems fine. i come in at the appoi nted time and "why didnt u schedule an appointment with us? we cant take ur car" are u that fucking stupid. I AM GIVING U MONEY! MONEY U FUCKING RETARDS. UR NOT DOING ME THE FAVOR OF TAKING MY MONEY. there are other places i can go. im doing U the favor. economy is down. u need the business.
after trying to talk with the incompetent workers, we talk to the manager. unfortunately for the business, he may hav one or two functioning neurons left. they finall take the car and tell me that it mite be done in 2 weeks ish. fine just fucking fix it. im stuck without a car now. atleast it saves some money. lastly but least, my dog is dying. i use the present tense ef this verb because he has been bleeding from his leg tumor for a total of three days and ithas just stopped. it wont heal. we all decided it best to euthenize him before he really starts to hurt. he cant stand without help anymore. its sad. i think yesterday was the first time i cried in about 5 years. or is it six. i remember the last time too. my best friend died. she was about 16. she coulnt eat after a while and so it seemd she would starve to death. but one day while we were out. i believe we were coming back from a weekend at san antonio, she fell in my pool and was too weak to swim. she drownd. i came home only to go outside and see her body floating facedown in the water. i went down and used a pool net to pull her to the side of the pool so i could pull her body out. i sat there in a sureal state. it didnt really happen. because theres no such thing as life without her. she had always been there for me. and i for her. i loved her more than my mother and sister i must admit. we dried her off and set her down. for the next 2 or three hours i was in the forest digging a grave for her. it was the least i could do since she had devoted her life to me. after i was finishd i dont remember much. the ground was made of mostly rock so it was hard to dig. also having a real shovel would have helped. but all of that didnt matter. she was somone that i could trust in a world where i didnt tsrust anyone. finally i burried her and set a gravestone. that was the end of my childhood. i dont remember anything besides flashes of things that happend before that. the only thing that i will always be able to recall is the sense of security she gave me wen she was there. if she was with me ten everything would be ok. even if it wasnt in the end. for that memnt nothing matterd. i suppose that all im trying to say is that she was the one thing that was held constant in my life. no matter wat. the only other thing i had was spike. and i feel the same way about him. her name by the way was smokey. a grey longhaired cat. she and spike were the only ones i could ever trust. so these past few days for me have been a rather somber meloncholy.i feel horrible. and then i look around. and it seems that out of the four of us (my dad, mother, sister, zand i) i seem to be doing the best. my sister cant talk about it without bursting into tears, my mom behaved in a disillusiond detached way and started talking to him in little wispers, and my dad is in a sort of shock. this dog i s at an estimated 20 yrs of age. hes old. but we cant let go. its too hard. its selfish of us and i feel like a hypocrit for not wanting him to go, but i cant help it.
+PLUS+
i always hate to end on a sad not so i decided that it vwould be best if i talked about the more happy (or possibly less sad) moments of the year.one thing that has helped me deal with this without going insane, thou lately im starting to wonder, is tzippi. without her i dont think id be able to handle it all. she helps me relax and return to a functional state. i lov her. i dont no wat i would hav done without her. also wile im on the subject, id like to thank those who helped me out so far. thou i may hav been mad at u or u irritated me or i said somthing bad about u earlier. i want to say thank u for dealing with me on my less tollerable of days. as for events that happend, there was only one good weekend so far. it was last weekend. friday nite jons(plural), carl, and i went to a rave together. sylvia, nika, genni, andt a few others were there. but the trip down was the four of us. it gave me a chance to get away and think. it was nice. also i heard som good new musik, wich hasnt happend in a while. the next day we went to ushikon. it was really nice, thou i did get agrivated a time or two. the nite was just about heaven. i cant think of a time that ive had more fun. thou i do have a bad memory. i took som x wich got me really hyper and excited. i ran aruond with this girl from dallas and we got to talk about shit that happend and ourselves.later on i got to be with kelly for a wile and she really let me see her tru self. she was honest and open. also rather drunk. almost everyone anded up in caseys room and we hung out till bout 6. after that carl, jons, dan and i left for carls house. we fell asleep there. the next day was a very slow uneventful day. so theres not much to talk about there. another interesting thing that i found out is that im going to be moving within the next to months. its not far. its just bigger. my dad decided to move in with sandy. so it looks like ill be in another unfamiliar cieling.
~moo
posted by emperor @
Donnerstag, Februar 05, 2004
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